Forgive, Forget and Forgotten

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Dear You,

I said no to you three times, I know now it’s because I was protecting myself. Deep down I knew that you’re not capable of having a relationship—at least not the kind I want. I just ignored the obvious truth.

I’m going to be honest with you, because that’s what people who care about each other do. I can’t change a person. I can’t change you. I can only change myself and the situations I choose to be a part of. You chose to invite strangers into your life, to go to the beach with them and pick up shells, to invite them to your bed. I told you time after time, that all I want is honesty. Time after time you told me you want me to feel safe with you… that you want me to trust you. You made me feel bad for having hesitations and for distrusting the situation.

The least I deserved I think was honesty from you. That was what I gave you, I shared freely and happily. I know you want to reason that it’s somehow justified, because I’m not technically tied to you relationship wise (having the title of being your “girlfriend”). But, the fact of the matter is we were in a relationship despite the fact that it is not the term we had. You made it clear I am yours, that I am the only person you want your family to meet, that I could be the one, that I am the only one you want to be with.

I invited you into my life, my heart, my head, my family. That is all very special, and not everyone I meet is entitled to those things. I told you my actions are intentional, it has meaning. I’ve given you so much and in return, you never really wanted to be mine. Well, not exclusively. I’ve fought for you in the only possible way I know how—by being there for you and caring for you. But I realise I’m fighting a losing battle. You meant so much to me—and I didn’t mean much to you. All those girls, those 18 year old, free spirited women… they won. I do truly hope you read this and try to see it through my point of view—I don’t understand this situation. I don’t understand why you went looking for her or should I say them? I wonder what she/they are like, what she/they offer you, what part she/they play in your life, if you are sleeping with her/them — so many questions that will be left answered and that makes me question everything we had.

A relationship—no matter what kind—falls apart the minute dishonesty comes into play. I will not allow dishonesty from you when honesty has always been demanded and expected from me. I only have one life, why should I spend it with someone who doesn’t make me feel like the most important person in their world?

I can’t allow you to lead me down a path of dishonesty. You don’t see it as cheating, I get that, but unfortunately that is what happened. Whether it’s lying about spending time with her while you’re suppose to see a doctor or lying about talking to other girls (yes girls, because the are not women yet) or telling me all those sexual conversation were jokes, lying is lying and it still hurts the people who care about you.

After I uncovered the truth, you told me that what you did was unforgivable and that you do no deserve forgiveness. This is a lie. It is forgivable. I thought about this for some time, and I choose to forgive you wholeheartedly. I want you to know that I choose to let go of any anger and all the other negative feelings. What you did is forgivable, but the relationship is not repairable.

You said you care about me, but what worries me is that this is the way you treat people you care about.  When someone you care about is dishonest, it hurts more than anything. I hope you take this time to reevaluate your situation and the damage it does to yourself and other people. Most importantly, I hope that you can forgive yourself just as I have forgiven you.

Bye

Nikki

 

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